Here we are almost half way through December and I don't have a hashtag for the month.  November was #yesvember  (thank you Kid Presdient) and October was #honestOctober (thank you Kelly Berry Parker).  December is a tricky month for me.  Its my birthday month which until recently has been a time of great jubilation at my house, but this year I'm just not feeling it.  Its Christmas, which is so insanely busy it sends me into slow motion.  The end of the year is also when I close out things for my business and set goals for next year.  But it is also Advent, which is my favorite season of the year.  I watched a great video about Advent being a time to "Be Still" and then I read this brilliant, eye opening and heart opening piece by Anne Lamott.   So I'm declaring this month's hashtag #bestill.  One of the projects I'm working on right now is a seminar about self care and preventing burnout.  If there were ever a motto for self care #bestill would be that motto.   In the spirit of being still and self care I will now post the tasks I accomplished this morning.  Not the to do list I should have done but the truth of what I really did.  Here goes:

1. Dropped kids of at school ON TIME.  Thats a biggie, and I was feeling pretty proud until I realized the youngest didn't have his backpack. #ohwell

2. Made myself an egg and sausage for breakfast.  Living in the land of Lucky Charms and PopTarts most of the time means this is a pretty big one too.  Felt like a full fledged culinary rock star.  Maybe breakfast really is the most important meal of the day, and self care should start with a good breakfast.

3.  Watched two episodes of The New Girl because it makes me laugh. I was also checking email and putting away laundry.  #winning  Nothing wrong with a little mindless multi tasking.  Laughter is proven to improve all aspects of life, even laundry. Also, I took some super cute pics and posted on IG (check it out they are really cute)

4. Took the dog on an extended walk.  No brainer, exercise especially in the sunshine improves mood.
While on the walk I found a perfectly shaped and sized pinecone, briefly considered staging a photo and selling it on IG (see above skills) because this is apparently a thing selling pinecones from your yard.  Decided not to enter the fray and tossed the pinecone aside.

5. Wrote and discarded a rambling blog about a sweatshirt I had in college.

6. Spent 10 minutes looking for an appropriate hair tie.  Failing to find one I called to schedule a hair cut instead. Also, I pulled some good friends in the medical field away from their job saving lives to answer questions via text about botox (advisability) and popcorn makers (availability).   From this we learn two things, reaching out to friends always makes us feel better.  And sometimes you gotta cut your losses and change things up.  I'll be wearing a hat for a while, but c'est la vie.

So that's it, most of it anyway.  I read, laughed, reached out to friends, exercised and ate like a grown up.   That's how I spent my morning being still and practicing self care. I won't list all the things on my list I didn't do, because being still is about being present.  And I feel 100% better than I did when I was staring at my to do list this morning.  

How can you #bestill and practice radical self care this season?  Share your thoughts in the comments.  We can all be still together and learn from one another.

Unspoken Grief

   When Hunter and I were married 18 years ago we had very specific ideas about how we would grow our family.  Wait 5 years so we could enjoy some time together, have one child, adopt another and there you go- family done.   What is the saying about God laughing while we make plans?  I think she/he just utters a "Bless their hearts"    Now nearly 20 years later I have a whole new thought about what it means to have a family, to start a family.   Twins gone before I had a chance to wrap my mind around there being two,  then Robert a fighter from the start.  Two more babies and a fallopian tube gone.  Then pills and shots and blood draws and ultrasounds brought me Ethan.  And then "Surprise" a brand new baby boy at 40.   Yeah, God def has a sense of humor.  

But  each and every experience taught me something different.  I learned how to grieve, I learned how to mourn, I learned how to honor the possible.  I learned FAITH and to lean on my people. 

 ( And I have so many people- thankful for all of them...too many to name.  How would I have done it without my tribe?)

    And I have so many sisters who have known that pain.  It takes my breath away really.  There are so many of us- I have had the privilege to meet some amazing women and men, Moms and Dads who keep the memory of their lost child close and soldier on to help others.  This isn't a journey I would choose or wish for anyone, but I feel so privileged to have been included on it.  

     There are so few ways to talk about the loss of an unborn child-  and we don't have community rituals to make it easier.  Most of us are just making it up as we go.  When we baptized Andrew we lit a candle for all the babies we didn't meet and all the parents who have known that pain.  My dear friend Olivia helped lead a memorial service to remember all those babies,  I have helped facilitate groups for others, I have lit candles and released balloons.  Last month I got a new tattoo,  I like the idea that these children who left my body  too soon are represented on my body in some way.  

 There are so many other ways people choose to honor and remember those lives- the point is that we need to acknowledge and grieve and step into the journey.   Grief is the only mechanism I know that brings healing in the face of loss.  I have seen this in my own life and in my work.  No matter what model you talk about, stages, or steps or tasks of grief it all comes down to one basic pri

niciple.  Change brings loss and we need to heal from that loss if we are to move on to the next place in our life.  

     Tomorrow is the day set aside to remember/honor Infant and Pregnancy Loss.  I'll light one candle for each of my babies.  There is a memorial service being held at the Montgomery Museum of Art.  If you said goodbye too soon to a child I encourage you to take a moment and reflect tomorrow.  For those of you have never known that loss- I bet you know someone who has.  Hold them a little closer in your thoughts and know that even an unspoken loss bring grief and needs healing.  

Enough Already

     I have been thinking about enough lately.  I say "enough already" roughly 20 times a week.  Usually I say to my children to indicate I have had enough of their bickering or general mayhem.  Sometimes I whisper it to myself when I am on the last inch of patience I have. Sometimes I say it to my husband to let him know I have received whatever message he is sending loud and clear.   In the trenches of junior high homework with my son we have settled for "good enough" when it comes to worksheets etc.   And I have certainly been guilty of feeling that I don't have enough of whatever is I'm stressing about- enough money, time etc. But I've been really thinking about what is enough?   What if just for today I behaved as if I were enough and if I had enough?  Enough of whatever I need, enough grace, determination, resources.  What if I behaved as if I were enough? Smart enough, capable enough.  (Insert Steward Smalley joke here).  But what if I extended that to those around me?  
       Whenever I begin  working with someone new I start with what's strong not what's wrong.  And I truly believe that the resources we need for healing and growth are ever present, even if we aren't aware of it.  So with my clients we are constantly uncovering the "enough" in their lives.   I need to do some digging in my own life to find the "enough"  and to extend that "enough" to those closest to me.   I'm reading Brene Brown's  "The Gifts of Imperfection"  and her take on self compassion is really really good.   That's what treating myself and others as "enough" feels like showing compassion to myself.   So- today I challenge you to say "Enough Already" and mean it- you are enough and you have enough.  

PS  There is never enough Chipotle guacomole.  That may be the exception that proves the rule...

Why I quit 7th grade- and why you should as well

So this is where my roles as professional social worker and Mommy intersect.  When I went into social work I thought I wanted to work with pre-teens and teens.  I have done so in a variety of settings for the past 20 years- and yet I was unprepared for the advent of puberty in my own household.   My oldest son is 12 years old and began Junior High this year.  He attends a "traditional" junior high with only 7th and 8th graders- in fact it is the largest such school in our state with almost 1200 kids.  Yes you read that correctly 1200 students...he is in advanced classes, active in church and Boy Scouts- and about to drive me absolutely crazy.  Hormones are full blown in my house right now, acne on the face, moody attitudes and general refusal to believe anything I say.  

He has a lot of homework, not an unmanagable amount but enough to keep him busy.  The first few weeks sailed by and I thought what was everyone complaining about? This is easy- then reality set in.  He would rather play video games, he would rather torment his brothers and shoot basketball than do homework.  After two stressful weeks of pleading, threatening and reminding I quit 7th grade.   I am not in 7th grade, I do not have projects due or vocabulary quizzes to study for.  And the more I worried about his work the more he refused to do it.  So I quit.  The new system is that any grade that falls below a certain level there will be consequences  (like missing an extra curricular activity) but otherwise I am out of the homework game.  If he needs supplies for a project, or help studying I am happy to help.  But stressing over whether or not he gets it done?  Not my job.  At some point he has to learn to manage his time, set goals and work toward them.  I'm not following him to high school or college with his homework planner.   I firmly believe that our children need realistic expectations and clear guidelines.

I am also trying to respect that he learns and studies differently than I or his brothers do.  Children give us all kinds of cues, direct and indirect about their needs.  If he needs to go to bed because he's tired, then get up and finish something early the next day? Fine.  If he works better in small bursts of time, set a timer for 15 minutes then take a break for 5.   School is hard work for most kids, 8 hours (more if they ride buses or do extracurricular activities) and often they need some down time at home before tackling their homework.  '

So for all you Moms and Dads stressing about 7th grade Science projects, take a deep breath and repeat with me " I quit 7th grade.  I believe my student is capable of managing their work with guidance from me."  Then have a cup of coffee and be prepared to make a late night run to Walgreens for glitter if needed- but remember the grade on the assignment does not equal a grade on parenting.

Hello, Goodbye, Hello

 Oh my gosh, it seems like just yesterday I set up a Skype call with a potential MSW Student Intern from Edinboro University.   Working with Emily has been a fabulous experience and I am going to miss having her in the office terribly.  I thought we'd have a Q&A session with Emily (better late than never) and also shed a little light on what exactly an MSW Student Intern does.

The Master's in Social Work Course of Study requires two semesters of practicum or field placement work.  Students are placed in social agencies or practices for several days a week and given instruction and real world experience.  For me and for many students it is the most important part of their graduate education as it provides the opportunity to actually do what you are learning about in class.

Emily has been with Social Work Solutions for a year now.  That time frame is a bit unusual but she was finishing up some hours from a previous university so I have had the distinct pleasure of watching her growth over the past year.   Her duties have included leading groups in elementary schools as part of a community grant to teach conflict resolution.  Emily has also co-led a teen pregnancy group and a parenting group for parents and teens.  Additionally, she has maintained a caseload of children and families with whom she has provided play based therapy and interventions.  Plus, she is my go to when I need a project completed, a flyer designed, a spreadsheet done.  Basically, she's awesome.

Here's a bit about the year from her perspective:


Q.  How and why did you choose to pursue a degree in Social Work? 

A. I chose to pursue a degree in social work, because it seemed like a logical extension of my interests and abilities. I find the research aspect of social work to be interesting. Additionally I liked how social work takes a broader approach when looking at people. 

Q. What has been the most rewarding part of your internship? 

A. The most rewarding part of my internship is helping clients meet their treatment goals. It is exciting when clients reach certain milestones.

Q. What has been the most challenging? 

A. The most challenging aspect of this internship is adapting to how diverse the clients are. In my previous internships, the range of issues that clients were seeking assistance on was much narrower. It has been a wonderful challenge to work with individuals with very different concerns. 

Q. What advice would you give to other MSW students about to graduate? 

A. I would encourage fellow MSW graduates to subscribe to social work podcasts or journals, so that they continue to be exposed to a wide range of professional developments. I am going to miss having access to the university-provided article databases!

Q. What kind of work do you hope to pursue post graduation?

A.  Working with families with young children is a particular interest of mine. However, one of my favorite things about social work is the breadth of options available.  


I cannot wait to see where Emily lands, she is capable and resourceful and kind.  It has been such a pleasure to have her on board.  And FYI she is looking for social work jobs in the Prattville/ Montgomery area so if you need one call her.

A Simplified Summer: The Work/Life Balance

image via: http://dreamcometruecareeradvice.tumblr.com/

In today’s society, everyone is doing more. More homes are two-working-parent families; people in general are working more hours; children are encouraged to be involved in more activities and organizations; everyone is encouraged to help out at this volunteer activity or that church supper. So how do we find balance when everyone is going zero to one hundred all day, every day? Especially with school beginning soon, how do you find a good routine for your family that leaves everyone happy and healthy? Check out our tips for staying sane, balanced, and - most importantly - happy as a working parent. 

1. Come together at least once a week. Carve out a specific time during the week that your family intentionally spends time together. Turn off the TV, cell phones, emails and other electronics and spend at least an hour doing something together. This could be dinner every Friday, pancakes every Sunday morning, or even a game night in the middle of the week. Whatever it is, make it a point to have and respect this time your family spends together.

2. Reduce. Take away extra things in your routine that stress you out, or delegate tasks to others. For instance, if you are constantly stressing mid-week about extra events that have come up, start taking a few minutes on Saturday or Sunday to make a calendar for the next week. If you’re self-employed and know you work better late at night after your kids are asleep, look at restructuring your work schedule to better fit your needs.

Tip: For chores and to-do’s around the house, get your kids involved. Not just normal chores, but things that require skill and can be fun learning experiences. Have older children help plan out, make dinner and set the table. Everyone will be wondering how you manage to work, play AND teach etiquette skills!

image via https://www.pinterest.com/workshifting/inspiring-quotes/

 

3. Prioritize. You may be scoffing, thinking “I am the queen/king of prioritizing, this is always rule #1!” But hear me out – you don’t need to only be prioritizing YOUR time; you need to be teaching your children to prioritize their time as well. With so many opportunities for children to get involved, it can be easy to feel pressure to take on too much. And as a parent, it can be stressful trying to prioritize your work when you have three different places to drive your kids to on any given afternoon. Sit down and decide what is most important, then go from there.

Tip: For kids, start small. Have them choose one sport or extracurricular activity and see how scheduling goes. If they can take on more, great. If they can't, it is much easier to reevaluate when you've got one activity as opposed to three or four.

4. Say goodbye to guilt. Although working parents are becoming (and have been) the norm, it can still be easy for parents, especially working mothers, to fall into the trap of feeling guilty about their dual roles. Here’s the secret – nothing is ever going to be perfect, no matter if you work 40, 20, or 0 hours outside your home. Embrace things that are going well and stay optimistic about the things that didn’t go exactly according to plan. 

Tip: Feeling guilty that you don’t spend enough time with your children? In a study done in 2007, most children didn’t wish for their parents to spend more time with them – in fact, they were happy with the amount of time their parents spent with them. Instead, they said they wished their parents were less stressed or tired. See above for our tips on that!

Do you have any tips for how you juggle the work-life balance? Let us hear them in the comments!

Purposeful Parenting: Tips for Everyday

Last week we answered some of your questions about purposeful parenting in specific situations. But what about generally - how can you purposefully parent in day-to-day life? Check out our infographic that gives you tips for using purposeful parenting to create an atmosphere of love and respect in your home through simple, fundamental actions.