Join us for a FREE Self Esteem Workshop!

Monday July 31, 2017

6-7:30 pm

235 Court Street

Ages 10-16 

Why I quit 7th grade- and why you should as well

So this is where my roles as professional social worker and Mommy intersect.  When I went into social work I thought I wanted to work with pre-teens and teens.  I have done so in a variety of settings for the past 20 years- and yet I was unprepared for the advent of puberty in my own household.   My oldest son is 12 years old and began Junior High this year.  He attends a "traditional" junior high with only 7th and 8th graders- in fact it is the largest such school in our state with almost 1200 kids.  Yes you read that correctly 1200 students...he is in advanced classes, active in church and Boy Scouts- and about to drive me absolutely crazy.  Hormones are full blown in my house right now, acne on the face, moody attitudes and general refusal to believe anything I say.  

He has a lot of homework, not an unmanagable amount but enough to keep him busy.  The first few weeks sailed by and I thought what was everyone complaining about? This is easy- then reality set in.  He would rather play video games, he would rather torment his brothers and shoot basketball than do homework.  After two stressful weeks of pleading, threatening and reminding I quit 7th grade.   I am not in 7th grade, I do not have projects due or vocabulary quizzes to study for.  And the more I worried about his work the more he refused to do it.  So I quit.  The new system is that any grade that falls below a certain level there will be consequences  (like missing an extra curricular activity) but otherwise I am out of the homework game.  If he needs supplies for a project, or help studying I am happy to help.  But stressing over whether or not he gets it done?  Not my job.  At some point he has to learn to manage his time, set goals and work toward them.  I'm not following him to high school or college with his homework planner.   I firmly believe that our children need realistic expectations and clear guidelines.

I am also trying to respect that he learns and studies differently than I or his brothers do.  Children give us all kinds of cues, direct and indirect about their needs.  If he needs to go to bed because he's tired, then get up and finish something early the next day? Fine.  If he works better in small bursts of time, set a timer for 15 minutes then take a break for 5.   School is hard work for most kids, 8 hours (more if they ride buses or do extracurricular activities) and often they need some down time at home before tackling their homework.  '

So for all you Moms and Dads stressing about 7th grade Science projects, take a deep breath and repeat with me " I quit 7th grade.  I believe my student is capable of managing their work with guidance from me."  Then have a cup of coffee and be prepared to make a late night run to Walgreens for glitter if needed- but remember the grade on the assignment does not equal a grade on parenting.

Purposeful Parenting: Tips for Everyday

Last week we answered some of your questions about purposeful parenting in specific situations. But what about generally - how can you purposefully parent in day-to-day life? Check out our infographic that gives you tips for using purposeful parenting to create an atmosphere of love and respect in your home through simple, fundamental actions.

Purposeful Parenting: Ask Away

 

source

July is Purposeful Parenting Month, so we've spent the past two weeks taking your questions about parenting.

We are by no means experts, and sometimes with all the material available - books, manuals, television shows, blogs, speeches - it can be overwhelming to weed through everyone's suggestions and figure out what the best approach to parenting is. But then again, is there a best approach? Probably not. As Jennifer says, "Parenting is the ultimate on-the-job learning." So here we are, to talk about another path - purposeful parenting.

What is purposeful parenting? Jennifer said - "I think purposeful parenting is parenting with a plan. Not that things go according to plan with kids. Everyone is an expert on parenting until they have children; so many of the things I thought I'd never do or always do as a parent turned out to be a fantasy. But, having a goal and plan in mind when it comes to raising kids means you are not reacting to every situation but that you are moving toward a goal. When things don't go according to plan, you can work through it because you have bigger goals in mind. So mistakes on the part of parent or child become teachable moments for both. For example, a major goal my husband and I share in parenting our boys is to cultivate in them a sense of gratitude. Parenting decisions follow that goal; if you are whiny or don't appreciate something it won't be given a second time but rather earned." 

Now, here are a few of the questions you've asked.

Q: My 3 1/2 year old refuses to sleep in their own bed.  My daughter started sleeping with us at around 18 months when she had a virus and no one was getting much sleep anyway. But since that time she has grown more and more dependent on sleeping in the bed with my husband and I. We have tried to put her in her own bed but she cries, says she is scared, and comes back to our bed.  

Jenn: It is normal for children to go through periods where they are more or less attached. However, it is important that your daughter learns to soothe herself and sleep independently. There are a couple of strategies I would suggest. First, help your daughter feel secure in her room during the day and when it is not bedtime. If she naps encourage her to do so in her own bed. At night establish a bed time routine in her room. Brush teeth, read a story, tuck her in, and say good night. If you feel comfortable, you may stay for a short time after the lights are out. However, it is important that she stays in her own bed. When you allow her to leave and come to your room, you are reinforcing the idea that there is something to be fearful of in her own room. If she cries out for you or is frightened you can go and comfort her, but return her to her own bed. The first couple of nights will be tough but it won't be long before she is sleeping confidently in her own room.  

source

Q: My 12 year old wants their own Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter accounts.  I recognize that many of their friends have these things but don't feel it is appropriate for someone his age. Should I give in and allow my son to set up a profile? 

Jenn: Technology and social media are not going anywhere. As parents, it is our job to help teach our children to be good "digital citizens." If your family has established an age limit for social media, stick to it and explain the reasons behind it. If you don't already have a plan or a age limit, now is the time to think about it. However, you may want to consider allowing your 12 year old to look at your accounts to see how they work. If his friends have accounts, friend or follow his friends. Then together check it out to see what is being posted.  It is important that as a parent you set the boundaries and guide the conversation around the use of technology. There is no magical "right" age for devices or social media accounts. By opening the conversation and setting the ground rules early on you can be proactive rather than reactive.

  

Q: My 5-year-old daughter has a sensitive soul and has recently had questions about death and how long is life. She was visibly upset for several hours when I explained that all living things die. How can I continue this discussion on an age-appropriate level in a way that (hopefully) won't cause her to needlessly dwell on the issue?

Jenn: Death is a part of life but a hard thing for children to understand. At five or six, children are leaving behind concrete thinking and moving toward greater capacity for abstract thought. So, when your daughter hears that every living thing will one day die she is able to understand that means you, her Dad, and her. Although she has the ability to understand the concept, she isn't able to grapple with it emotionally yet. Reassure that death is not imminent and, although permanent, is a part of life. At this age using books and metaphors to explain and reassure can be very helfpful. I love "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia. Books such as this discuss death in a gentle and reassuring way that your daughter can grasp.  

source

We'd love to hear more of your questions and how you purposefully parent. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!