July is Purposeful Parenting Month, so we've spent the past two weeks taking your questions about parenting.
We are by no means experts, and sometimes with all the material available - books, manuals, television shows, blogs, speeches - it can be overwhelming to weed through everyone's suggestions and figure out what the best approach to parenting is. But then again, is there a best approach? Probably not. As Jennifer says, "Parenting is the ultimate on-the-job learning." So here we are, to talk about another path - purposeful parenting.
What is purposeful parenting? Jennifer said - "I think purposeful parenting is parenting with a plan. Not that things
go according to plan with kids. Everyone is an expert on parenting until they have children; so many of the things I thought I'd never do or always do as a parent turned out to be a fantasy. But, having a goal and plan in mind when it comes to raising kids
means you are not reacting to every situation but that you are moving toward a goal. When things don't go according to plan, you can work through it because you have bigger goals in mind. So mistakes on the part of parent or child become teachable moments
for both. For example, a major goal my husband and I share in parenting our boys is to cultivate in them a sense of gratitude. Parenting decisions follow that goal; if you are whiny or don't appreciate something it won't be given a second time but rather
earned."
Now, here are a few of the questions you've asked.
Q: My 3 1/2 year old refuses to sleep in their own bed. My daughter started sleeping with us at around 18 months when she had a virus
and no one was getting much sleep anyway. But since that time she has grown more and more dependent on sleeping in the bed with my husband and I. We have tried to put her in her own bed but she cries, says she is scared, and comes back to our bed.
Jenn: It is normal for children to go through periods where they are more or less attached. However, it is important that your daughter
learns to soothe herself and sleep independently. There are a couple of strategies I would suggest. First, help your daughter feel secure in her room during the day and when it is not bedtime. If she naps encourage her to do so in her own bed. At night
establish a bed time routine in her room. Brush teeth, read a story, tuck her in, and say good night. If you feel comfortable, you may stay for a short time after the lights are out. However, it is important that she stays in her own bed. When you allow
her to leave and come to your room, you are reinforcing the idea that there is something to be fearful of in her own room. If she cries out for you or is frightened you can go and comfort her, but return her to her own bed. The first couple of nights will
be tough but it won't be long before she is sleeping confidently in her own room.
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Q: My 12 year old wants their own Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter accounts. I recognize that many of their friends have these things but don't feel it is appropriate for someone
his age. Should I give in and allow my son to set up a profile?
Jenn: Technology and social media are not going anywhere. As parents, it is our job to help teach our children to be good "digital
citizens." If your family has established an age limit for social media, stick to it and explain the reasons behind it. If you don't already have a plan or a age limit, now is the time to think about it. However, you may want to consider allowing your 12
year old to look at your accounts to see how they work. If his friends have accounts, friend or follow his friends. Then together check it out to see what is being posted. It is important that as a parent you set the boundaries and guide the conversation
around the use of technology. There is no magical "right" age for devices or social media accounts. By opening the conversation and setting the ground rules early on you can be proactive rather than reactive.
Q: My
5-year-old daughter has a sensitive soul and has recently had questions about
death and how long is life. She was visibly upset for several hours
when I explained that all living things die. How can I continue this
discussion on an age-appropriate level in a way that (hopefully) won't
cause her to needlessly dwell on the issue?
Jenn: Death is a part of life but a hard thing for children to understand. At five or six, children are leaving behind concrete thinking and moving toward greater capacity for abstract thought. So, when your daughter
hears that every living thing will one day die she is able to understand that means you, her Dad, and her. Although she has the ability to understand the concept, she isn't able to grapple with it emotionally yet. Reassure that death is not imminent and, although
permanent, is a part of life. At this age using books and metaphors to explain and reassure can be very helfpful. I love "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia. Books such as this discuss death in a gentle and reassuring way that your daughter
can grasp.
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We'd love to hear more of your questions and how you purposefully parent. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
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