Unspoken Grief

   When Hunter and I were married 18 years ago we had very specific ideas about how we would grow our family.  Wait 5 years so we could enjoy some time together, have one child, adopt another and there you go- family done.   What is the saying about God laughing while we make plans?  I think she/he just utters a "Bless their hearts"    Now nearly 20 years later I have a whole new thought about what it means to have a family, to start a family.   Twins gone before I had a chance to wrap my mind around there being two,  then Robert a fighter from the start.  Two more babies and a fallopian tube gone.  Then pills and shots and blood draws and ultrasounds brought me Ethan.  And then "Surprise" a brand new baby boy at 40.   Yeah, God def has a sense of humor.  

But  each and every experience taught me something different.  I learned how to grieve, I learned how to mourn, I learned how to honor the possible.  I learned FAITH and to lean on my people. 

 ( And I have so many people- thankful for all of them...too many to name.  How would I have done it without my tribe?)

    And I have so many sisters who have known that pain.  It takes my breath away really.  There are so many of us- I have had the privilege to meet some amazing women and men, Moms and Dads who keep the memory of their lost child close and soldier on to help others.  This isn't a journey I would choose or wish for anyone, but I feel so privileged to have been included on it.  

     There are so few ways to talk about the loss of an unborn child-  and we don't have community rituals to make it easier.  Most of us are just making it up as we go.  When we baptized Andrew we lit a candle for all the babies we didn't meet and all the parents who have known that pain.  My dear friend Olivia helped lead a memorial service to remember all those babies,  I have helped facilitate groups for others, I have lit candles and released balloons.  Last month I got a new tattoo,  I like the idea that these children who left my body  too soon are represented on my body in some way.  

 There are so many other ways people choose to honor and remember those lives- the point is that we need to acknowledge and grieve and step into the journey.   Grief is the only mechanism I know that brings healing in the face of loss.  I have seen this in my own life and in my work.  No matter what model you talk about, stages, or steps or tasks of grief it all comes down to one basic pri

niciple.  Change brings loss and we need to heal from that loss if we are to move on to the next place in our life.  

     Tomorrow is the day set aside to remember/honor Infant and Pregnancy Loss.  I'll light one candle for each of my babies.  There is a memorial service being held at the Montgomery Museum of Art.  If you said goodbye too soon to a child I encourage you to take a moment and reflect tomorrow.  For those of you have never known that loss- I bet you know someone who has.  Hold them a little closer in your thoughts and know that even an unspoken loss bring grief and needs healing.  

Enough Already

     I have been thinking about enough lately.  I say "enough already" roughly 20 times a week.  Usually I say to my children to indicate I have had enough of their bickering or general mayhem.  Sometimes I whisper it to myself when I am on the last inch of patience I have. Sometimes I say it to my husband to let him know I have received whatever message he is sending loud and clear.   In the trenches of junior high homework with my son we have settled for "good enough" when it comes to worksheets etc.   And I have certainly been guilty of feeling that I don't have enough of whatever is I'm stressing about- enough money, time etc. But I've been really thinking about what is enough?   What if just for today I behaved as if I were enough and if I had enough?  Enough of whatever I need, enough grace, determination, resources.  What if I behaved as if I were enough? Smart enough, capable enough.  (Insert Steward Smalley joke here).  But what if I extended that to those around me?  
       Whenever I begin  working with someone new I start with what's strong not what's wrong.  And I truly believe that the resources we need for healing and growth are ever present, even if we aren't aware of it.  So with my clients we are constantly uncovering the "enough" in their lives.   I need to do some digging in my own life to find the "enough"  and to extend that "enough" to those closest to me.   I'm reading Brene Brown's  "The Gifts of Imperfection"  and her take on self compassion is really really good.   That's what treating myself and others as "enough" feels like showing compassion to myself.   So- today I challenge you to say "Enough Already" and mean it- you are enough and you have enough.  

PS  There is never enough Chipotle guacomole.  That may be the exception that proves the rule...